My name is Supriya and I write a blog called Baldie Boo. It is a place where I share my journey, my struggles, and my triumphs with alopecia. In May of 2015, I lost the first handful of hair. Because that is what alopecia can do. Your immune system can suddenly decide your hair is bad. Really bad. Like mice on the attack, snakes on a plane, ketchup on your ice cream kinda bad. Once my immune system made this decision, it turned into a helicopter parent shoving every piece of hair out of its sight to protect me. I wish I could have told my immune system that all it was doing was hurting me. With each strand lost came more and more pain. The tears, the depression, the loss. It was so overwhelming. 

    There is a certain amount of guilt that comes along with feeling sad about a disease that only impacts your physical appearance. When I started losing my hair, I felt this guilt immensely. How do I justify feeling so sad, when there are people who are struggling with diseases that are a true fight? That guilt just amplified every other emotion I felt. I was angry I was losing my hair, I felt guilty for feeling angry. I felt depression take over, I felt guilty for letting depression take over. It was a vicious cycle of emotional turmoil. Looking back on that time, I wish I could tell that girl, it is okay to feel sad about losing your hair. It is okay to grieve it as a loss. It is okay to feel your feelings and not push them away because guilt is forcing you to. I did not feel okay about any of it though. Alopecia quickly took me to one of the darkest times in my life.

    The thing is, there is SUCH a mental component to alopecia that many don’t talk about. Its mind altering to have your appearance change so drastically in such a short amount of time. Its devastating to have a piece of your identity, of your femininity (as defined by society) taken from you. The more I tried not to feel the pain, the more the pain took over. 

    Now, I’m a completely different person. What changed? This is a tough one to pin point exactly. 

1. I took a very big step to go to therapy. I realized that I was not able to make peace with things on my own. I was stuck in pile of sadness quick sand and could not figure out what to do to get myself out. So, I got help. I sat in my therapist’s office and I cried it out. I worked through my emotions. I worked through my fears. I worked through the thought that I’d be a lonely, old, sad, bald gal for the rest of my life. 

2. I had a pulmonary embolism. Alopecia is tough, but turns out a blood clot in my lungs is scary as hell. I’ve always known life can be so short, but I never realized it in the scope of my life until that event. I realized that I had been GIFTED with another day and I needed to figure out what to do to make the best of it. 

3. I turned 35. I don’t know what it is about 35, but something shifted in my perspective. I started to discover an abundant number of things to feel grateful for. I felt grateful for the amazing number of friends who supported me through this journey. I felt grateful for the alopecians I’ve met through this disease who are now some of my closest friends. Heck, I felt grateful that I only had to “wash my hair (wig)” once every two weeks. I started to seek out the silver linings and shifted my focus.

    I now live my life in such away that alopecia can’t take things away from me. If I felt like I was losing my femininity, I throw on red lips, sassy lashes, and feel just as feminine as the next gal. I’ve turned alopecia into a part of my identity rather than something that takes away from it. I figured out the importance of sharing my struggle and that I have the power help people who have been in that same dark hole. Life gave me a bowl full of lemons, and I’m out here doing my best to make lemonade. The best advice I can give is to own your emotions. Don’t feel like you have to meet someone else’s standards when it comes to your feelings. Grieve, feel, cry, be sad, work through it, and then find your way out. If you feel like you can’t figure out how to get out, find a support group, seek out therapy, talk to family, talk to friends, and don’t give up. Always remember you deserve to feel happy, not fake smile through your teeth happy, but oh my gosh,I almost peed my pants laughing happy. You don’t deserve a penny less than that, and I hope you continue to chase it.